Addiction

Merriam-Webster defines addiction as the, "compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful".

Last night, I fell off the wagon. There is a guy in my life, let's call him Johnny, who I am literally physically addicted to and he has no interest in pursuing anything other than a physical relationship with me. A strictly physical relationship is something I have never had. I am a "relationship" person and have to have feelings and a commitment to have a physical relationship. Johnny is my exception. On and off for the last two years, I have preferred a strictly physical relationship with him then to not have one at all.

That was until the beginning of last month. I vowed to swear him off and cut him out of my life. I was successful up until last night. My only regret is that I broke a rule I made for myself. A rule I made and instated for my own emotional safety. The bad thing, I don't regret it. Why is that? How is it that I can continually expose myself to something so wrong for me? Is it the hope that he will change and wake up one day and actually see me? I absolutely know that I should not be around him, so why do I let it happen? In a world where as a single girl it sometimes seems impossible to find "the right person" why do I jeopardize my chances with someone so wrong?